Monday, 24 April 2017

They are shackled by thinking about me all the time while I am enjoying the freedom of my life

They are shackled by thinking about me all the time, while I am enjoying the freedom of my life.
It is healthy to have scandal attached to oneself.
I like to flaunt at them what scandal I am getting away with. I'm laughing at them, because I'm continuing to get away with it, and flaunting it at them.
My autistic trances can never be pricked! Behave disgustingly; wind everybody up, get everybody thinking about what you might be getting up to all the time, it is great fun. The rewards are great.


I am really getting under people's skin now, it is really starting to eat into their flesh. It is at an acceptable level

I am really getting under people's skin now, it is really starting to eat into their flesh. It is at an acceptable level, to be allowed to continue being a genius.
BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY. It is a matter of pride with me. A matter of deliberate artifice and provocation. It is a religious order. I am poisoning the people of -------; good. They are doing it for me. I leave it out for them to feed on, and then they take it back to their nest. It takes months but its effect becomes fatal. At first they think it is just sweet and delicious, only much later do they feel an ache in their insides, an agony in their heads, they feel like their entire being & soul is being eaten away, and then they wish they had never known me, and never heard anything about me; but it is too late now. They hate it because I am happier than them. Because I have more pleasure in my life than them. I am happily enjoying the time of my life at work, and in theatre, opera, cinema, writing.
How fucking annoying for them, they cannot do anything to limit my pleasures.
I am for myself.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

I think he likes being thought of as strange & eccentric

I think he likes being thought of as strange & eccentric. An ancient Red Indian phrase meaning "he who laughs with a straight face". Is it having any effect? It's like he's flaunting it.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY. That's what great writers do

BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY. That's what great writers do. The material I am getting out of this!

I am an individual. The rewards are great. My irrepressible spirit is fantastic

I am an individual. The rewards are great. My irrepressible spirit is fantastic. I make myself unhappy by not talking to F, isn't that stupid? Feel joy and excitement every time you turn a corner, or enter a room, or see someone. The trascendental autistic mind, in the realms of high art, the kingdom of death, this seductive kingdom of death, with Ingrid. But I yearn for the real world of Lady Tara, and F. Like The Good Soldier Svejk, I'm still there, grinning amiably, not seeming aware of the abuse aimed at him. And every step he took he stirred up even more hysterical animosity, but still stumbled along grinning amiably, goodness in his heart. I am an Individual, and I am making my Individual way. Towards my book. Towards my pure autistic kingdom of beauty, which may perhaps only be found in death, which may be impossible to be found in the living world, even though Lady Tara and F tried so hard. I am pleased to be weird, pleased to be singled out for special attention. It means they are fascinated by me, but this is not where it's at anymore, it never was, it was only a distraction from the real problem.
Guts to live the way you want to live and not care who doesn't like it. I enjoy being strange and eccentric, so I need my celebration, I need due homage paid to this. Kaspar Hauser, resplendent, glorious.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

They have injected themselves with this poison. They have done my job for me

They have injected themselves with this poison. They have done my job for me.
"He seems to be enjoying it!"
He seems to be enjoying the delicious joke. He seems to enjoy winding people up.




Monday, 17 April 2017

I lead a life of such complete freedom. I amaze myself. To be unafraid is a totally liberating decision to take

I lead a life of such complete freedom. I amaze myself. To be unafraid is a totally liberating decision to take; to feel no shame is so empowering. The rewards are great. Cut myself down, so I just need a pen and a piece of paper. Do everything with a spirit of MISCHIEF. I'm certainly different. I'm certainly not dull.
I believe in pushing things so I can be as wild as I can possibly be.
I live by WILDNESS. That is my guiding rule.


Good---I WANT EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT ME. That is my mission, to completely subjugate people under my boot

Good---I WANT EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT ME. That is my mission, to completely subjugate people under my boot. To smuggle autism into every household. I am MISCHIEVOUS.
I'm mining something else, I'm mining some different vein. And I'm making a success of it. I use everything---that is what confounds and bewilders them, I eat on my own blood-red scandals. I provoke more. Flaunting at them what I can get away with. Make my behaviour more and more appalling.  Behave disgustingly. Feel so good the next morning.
My mission in life is to provoke people, that is why they don't realise they are playing into my hands; because in stirring people up I create new mixtures of chemical reactions to observe and write about.
I want it on their minds all the time. Despite of (because of?) all the attacks I am progressing, like never before. I only have to answer to myself. I live on the wild side.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

I am pushing them and pushing them; today I will push them a little bit more

I am pushing them and pushing them; today I will push them a little bit more.
Superior beings have no taboos. We make our own rules.
Good---I'M ON THEIR MINDS!


Saturday, 15 April 2017

“Egon Schiele lived in Vienna during its last years as capital of the declining Habsburg Empire"

“Egon Schiele lived in Vienna during its last years as capital of the declining Habsburg Empire. Rejected by his family, hounded by society for his interest in young girls, he expressed through his art a deep and bewildering loneliness and an obsession with sexuality, death and decay.”
I am evil, I love animosity. I am mischievous, I thrive on it, its sweet, bloody, pleasures. I create animosity for me to revel in its orgies. I’ve not finished being wild yet. When you’re young is when you’re supposed to be wild isn’t it?
BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY.
They hate me because I don’t get bored.
I am an autistic prince, and I am proud of it. The rewards are great.


Friday, 14 April 2017

"Every photograph of Chaplin published in the papers is very beautiful, noble. You feel that he exists in some sort of solitude, a mystery"

"Every photograph of Chaplin published in the papers is very beautiful, noble. You feel that he exists in some sort of solitude, a mystery, an equilibrium which neither American insults nor the London triumph can destroy. Impossible to be more within the actual and within the inactual."
BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY.
I have my sexuality, why should I care if anybody else approves of it? What's it got to do with them?


"I must somehow, without offering purchase to any sort of pride, rid myself of these depressing weaknesses"

"I must somehow, without offering purchase to any sort of pride, rid myself of these depressing weaknesses. I chose this struggle and this solitude. It is the defence of the invisible, the theme of my book. But one is always weaker than oneself. A vehicle that doubts. That wonders if this role is not absurd in an active world that craves presence."



“They will slaughter me if they haven’t done so already. It is my fate to be demolished on all sides and to pass for a man of good luck"

“They will slaughter me, if they haven’t done so already. It is my fate to be demolished on all sides and to pass for a man of good luck. Nothing will change this curve. I must accept it patiently and never be distressed by it. Sometimes it is hard.”
“Deaf and dumb—that is what the French have become. What pleasure can there be in opposing this stupidity, this weakness, finding happiness despite their eagerness to destroy it, escaping when they believe they have surrounded you, falling in their midst when they’ve forgotten all about you, splattering them with waves. A frivolous and academic race of idiots. Everything I detest. Remarkable minds, noble hearts float on this swamp like wrecks of the charming fleet that once was France and the city of Paris. I shall be—all my life and after my death—misrepresented, insulted, calumniated, dragged through the mire. Doubtless I’m paying for the happiness I find in the calm and confidence of those I love. You never stop paying, and you can never pay dearly enough.”
“I live on a desert island in the middle of our times and France. Doudou and Francine are my Fridays.”
“The satisfaction of what is called vice is always ‘fresh’ in that it is a departure, equivalent to what a Sunday picnic at the roadside represents for certain people.”
“Last night, lying in the studio, I was watching Francine and Doudou painting, and I reflected: ‘How cowardly of you to dare to complain! Here are the two human beings you love most. Nothing happens to be in their minds besides their work and their hope of pleasing you. Francine enjoys herself to seriously, so carefully. Doudou performs wonders without attaching any more importance to them than Francine to what she does.’ Sometimes I get up and go over to my desk, to correct mistakes that occur to me. Sailboats pass out at sea. These are priceless moments. A calm which many scorn because they do not possess it. A piece of good fortune. I shall doubtless have to pay for. Consider my crises as a tax on that fortune.”

Thursday, 13 April 2017

They are powerless, bitter, resentful. I am like the Pied Piper, everybody follows what I do

They are powerless, bitter, resentful. I am like the Pied Piper, everybody follows what I do. The power I have to excite people, the stimulation.
Very funny day today. Got the 1145 to Charing Cross, walked to the Gielgud Theatre in the lashing rain to get my ticket for Gross Indecency. Back to A Civil Action, four very stupid teenagers at the back making all the noise they could. But then Chandos was fine, though I didn't enjoy my 2 pints much., and I strolled so relaxedly to New [aka The Soho Cinema, now gone]. Beautiful big tit blonde in swimming pool as I came in, but it ended soon after. Then British rubbish Shock (brief), Africa Rising (3rd time!), and start of next one, with beautiful blonde in white boots and nothing else. I felt so relaxed there---a one off perhaps, really pleasurable from the moment I got in, and I had my favourite chair the whole time! Gross Indecency was fine, but I could have done without it.
In New I really was looking forward to room, and I was thinking rooms will be a regular weekly routine, that's how relaxed I felt. But I spoiled it by coming accidentally. But still felt quite randy afterwards, which was good.


Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Be happy and do what you want to do

Be happy, and do what you want to do. There is nothing more to be spread about me now, so I am very free. I can really shock them now with my wildness.

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

I am living the life of my dreams. I am living the perfect life now. Be nobody's darling

I am living the life of my dreams. I am living the perfect life now. Be nobody's darling. Do what you want to do. The rewards are great. I'm not letting them off the hook.


Monday, 10 April 2017

I have such freedom and unconcern. I am kinky and intelligent. Walking along the road thinking about which floozie I will go to next

I have such freedom and unconcern. I am kinky and intelligent. Walking along the road thinking about which floozie I will go to next. Feeling so excited to be planning my next day at the pictures, Chandos, then all night at New or Boulevard. Most people's lives are very boring, mine is so exciting they cannot stop thinking about it.
I am WILD. I am off the end of the scale. I have picked my battleground, and I am going to remorselessly grind them into the dirt. Those wonderful New girls!
The rewards are great. I'm not letting them off the hook. I put myself in extreme places, because there you can learn things.


Sunday, 9 April 2017

They sought to defeat me with their constant mockery and abuse and I just walk along and mischievously tug the back of my coat down to make fun of them back

They sought to defeat me with their constant mockery and abuse, and I just walk along and mischievously tug the back of my coat down to make fun of them back---small people trying to clutch hold of my coat-tails desperate to hold me back as they know I am leaving them behind. Now they see I am living my life of illicit sexual freedom and getting away with it and still enjoying it. Everything they do, I just grin and love it.
Do it the Tao way, never climax: sexually stimulate yourself 100 TIMES before ending with a climax. Go to the New cinema a hundred times to build up the Tao sexual energy.
I wanted everyone to know what I was doing with my big slimy dick. That just makes it more sexually pleasurable to me, that just makes it more illicit and horny.
That big-titted model on the bra design programme last night would have been Otto Dix's muse. Other people are lost outside my mind in the fog, it makes no difference what they know or don't know, they are all in the fog.
They see someone who's enjoying himself, indulging all his pleasures, and has got the courage for this.
Love Sex Intelligence reminds me so strongly of the Raymond Revue Bar night---that very impressive opening stomp!





The person with brains always wins

The person with brains always wins; let them blow themselves out, then calmly step around them. If they want to take a prurient interest in my life, good. I'm going to make it harder & harder for them to stop thinking about me. All they try to do, and I just enjoy Soho more than ever. I love doing what I shouldn't, playing with fire, self-destructive behaviour.
"I don't think it bothers him. He just does what he wants, and he doesn't care who likes it or who doesn't like it."
They have run me down into the ground, but still haven't reduced my pleasure making capabilities one bit. I will indulge myself in Soho more than ever---that is my response. They're going to have to learn the hard way. Great men always win. I am not going to let them off the hook.
My sexuality is my way to get one over on them; the things I can get away with but they can't. They really thought they could shame me with my behaviour; I revel in it, and flaunt it under their noses; I provoke them with it.
To see those Brazilian Buttman films again! It was just getting good, I can't leave now.

Saturday, 8 April 2017

That night at the Sihanouk club [Carnival] before Chelsea-Newcastle and the black-haired girl on the chaise longue on the stage, red lipstick

That night at the Sihanouk club [Carnival] before Chelsea-Newcastle, and the black-haired girl on the chaise longue on the stage, red lipstick---and I had to leave to go to football. I wish I could go back to see her now. Sihanouk was the best of all time, looking back at it.
THOSE WHO WANT TO TAKE A PRURIENT INTEREST IN MY LIFE CAN DO! I WILL GIVE THEM A SHOCKING EROTIC ADVENTURE!
I had my Berlin of George Grosz period, I had my black vampire Oscar Wilde period, I had my Francis Baconian diving deeper into darkness period, I had my Chinese journey period, I had my Pope period---is it possible I could have another such period?
"He loves it. He probably loves all the attention he's getting." How crushing for them. He just bounces back stronger from everything they throw at him.
The pleasures are there to be had, and I long ago freed myself of the restraints, and have been enjoying the hour of the flesh ever since. I have drawn my tentacles in now, and am becoming much more focused. I'm still happy, and seeking new stimuli.