Thursday, 25 May 2017

I am NASTY. I am DISREPUTABLE like Egon Schiele and Aubrey Beardsley and Wedekind

I am NASTY. I am DISREPUTABLE, like Egon Schiele and Aubrey Beardsley and Wedekind. I love the RICHNESS, and DELICIOUSNESS, and NEW SENSATIONS of my life now. I AM a stirrer. I stir people up then retreat back into my kingdom. Writers are like that, they put all their energy into their work, they've got nothing left for other people. I live for the book; I live for creating the book. Always pretend to look upset when K--- (or the others) are trying to bother me. MISCHIEF! I go where the story is.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

So I am a NAUGHTY BOY---big deal. I am ICONOCLASTIC. I HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING PEOPLE: I CANNOT RESIST IT

So I am a NAUGHTY BOY---big deal. I am ICONOCLASTIC. I HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING PEOPLE: I CANNOT RESIST IT.
"The basic trait of Schiele's character was seriousness: not the bleak, melancholy seriousness which hangs its head, but the quiet seriousness of a person dominated by a spiritual mission. Everyday matters could not affect him. He always looked beyond them towards the elevated goal of his ambition. Together with that he had a keen sense of humour and liked a joke. But he was never noisy. His humour was expressed in short and not very loud bursts of laughter."
People fascinated with me is my TRIUMPH. BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY.
YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE ME. Maybe I just don't believe. I go to the places I go, and they're STILL going to have to deal with me.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

"Feelings may run high and personal issues take an unexpected turn. And you would be wise to keep any nervousness hidden"

"Feelings may run high and personal issues take an unexpected turn. And you would be wise to keep any nervousness hidden as you want to appear a formidable opponent. There will be others playing the same game as you, but your determination to win gives you a formidable advantage."


My room starts to feel like a tomb again because F-------- is not here

My room starts to feel like a tomb again, because F-------- is not here.
I GET PLEASURE FROM THE ANISEED,
"Music is what you do because you can't speak." I'm dying a little death for Catherine. I live on the dark side of the moon, where no one can see me, and when you meet someone like Catherine you realise what folly that is, how pointless. I want some more of Catherine's loveliness, I am greedy for it. I am addicted to it, I hang around her like a bee all afternoon, aching for her lovely pollen. And you always think this will never happen again. Beddoes. "How many times do I love again? Tell me how many beads there are, in a silver chain, of evening rain, unravell'd from the tumbling main, and threading the eye of a yellow star: So many times do I love again." Can you imagine what it will be like when F----- leaves? To begin her new life? I am KASPAR HAUSER. 8½. F is my Claudia Cardinale. She could make a man change her mind. One moment you think they're sweet, the next moment you are head over heels in love with them.


Friday, 19 May 2017

All these people are interested in me, that's a pretty big compliment, don't you think?

All these people are interested in me, that's a pretty big compliment, don't you think? How many people do you think are interested in you? It boosts my EGO. I am Svejk, and Steerpike, a born troublemaker and subversive.
“I need someone to tempt me in. I need someone to lure me in. I need someone to ask me in again. I need someone to stick their hand out of the jungle foliage, and bring me in. Over the years several have tried, and to my shame, I didn’t put my hand in theirs, till eventually they vanish back into the foliage, and I never see them again. The sandtime is running down till you withdraw too. It’s like the window is closing in—hours and minutes, and that’s how long I’ve got to cross the event horizon and save myself this time.”
She looked blank, bewildered. “What a terrifying life you lead,” she said very quietly.
“Do you know how many women have tried? Oh,” I laughed, pacing round my chair, “some of the great beauties of the age! If you were to line them up in one row, you would say they were some of the great beauties of the age! And I turned down the hand of all of them. Over the years they’ve become fewer and farther between, and now after you, I don’t think there could ever be another one ever again. I honour them all, though they now make up the leading ranks of my enemies hell-bent on destroying me. I’ve got so many hours till the window allowing me to step from Hell into the warm universe of women is closed again. The Flying Dutchman is too weak an image for it. And then they see me, like the portrait of Dorian Gray, what a writhing, horrible mass of evil worms I am inside, and they run off screaming, hating me.”
“I only asked you to pop down and see me for a while when you’re not too busy.”
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” I raced around with my hands covering my ears. “Don’t you see what you propose leads to MADNESS?”



Thursday, 18 May 2017

The sad thing is I live in a black porn paradise

The sad thing is I live in a black porn paradise, New, Boulevard, Marx, Busta Rhymes, Offspring Flava, Wayne Marshall, blaxploitation, Budapest, but what I really want is F. I live for the illusion of the black porn.
I am Jerzy K. I need those dirty night-time places. I need these masochistic relationships. I will write my Being There, about my Chancey Gardener, the pain and the self-hatred of this life.


Tuesday, 16 May 2017

"I lose myself". "You might find yourself".

"I lose myself". "You might find yourself".
I'm going to do lots of reading now, lots of music listening---the pleasurable things in life. Preparing for my visits to Berlin and Stockholm in autumn.
I am so narcissistic. I want to know people are thinking about me. I lead a dirty life, a deliciously dirty life. I am so detached, a writer above everything. INKFINGER. I like to know who I'm getting to.


It is an interesting sado-masochistic relationship I have created at the ------; I create sado-masochistic relationships wherever I go

It is an interesting sado-masochistic relationship I have created at the ------; I create sado-masochistic relationships wherever I go.
I want to live in my own small little world, and if they don't like that, then fine, that's up to them. My strange disease requires strange medicines/strange pleasures. I am strange fruit. If you're different, life is always going to be difficult; but I'm not apologising. This gives me special opportunities, and special pleasures.
They are bitter because he is still happy, still not backing down, like Guido in .
I've learned the pleasures of a life of solitude. This is very rich knowledge. I have always got Dirk Bogarde in DESPAIR to keep me company, and Guido in .

Monday, 15 May 2017

I am wicked because I have no self-control. When you're on top there is envy

I am wicked because I have no self-control. When you're on top there is envy. It gives me the excitement I need. I LIVE FOR THE WICKED LACK OF SELF-CONTROL. Love it. Convert it into love, and stimulation, and relaxation, in my insolent display of wicked luxury. Anyone having that much pleasure must be wicked.
It is interesting that "society" has turned against me. I think it is hilarious, and pathetic. They are revealing their own bankruptcy. I'm devoted to creating something unique for myself.



Thursday, 11 May 2017

Think of Mrs Parker trying to kill herself. Think of the pleasure the rooms brings me, think of the pleasure New brings me

Think of Mrs Parker trying to kill herself. Think of the pleasure the rooms brings me, think of the pleasure New brings me. Think of the pleasure Chandos brings me. Think of the pleasure reading the Lorca and Nietzsche biographies brings me. That I can still find beauty & pleasure despite this witchhunt.
The perverse films of Dirk Bogarde are so important to me: Despair, The Night Porter. That elegant noble man disintegrating to complete mental breakdown.
This black skies, and rain showers all day long, it would have been a lovely day to have gone out---and gone to Chandos, and then gone to New or Boulevard or Marx, feeling that old excitement. It is a pleasurable thing that I enjoy, and will continue to enjoy. I still feel like being up there in that rain now, watching Bowdown Backstreet---I love it. It is the mischievous, Situationist thing to do. I am in love with the ILLUSION, I am addicted to the ILLUSION. It is the most glorious thing about me.
He's just quietly observing and recording it all, on his photographic plate.

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

LIVE MISCHIEVOUSLY. I am Good Soldier Svejk. I am the Consul in UNDER THE VOLCANO. I am DON GIOVANNI

LIVE MISCHIEVOUSLY. I am Good Soldier Svejk. I am the Consul in UNDER THE VOLCANO. I am DON GIOVANNI. The more luscious scandal that is attracted to me, the bigger & bolder I become. I live to poison people's minds.
The joke is constantly on them, because they are STILL not as intelligent as me. I am researching this material.

BE HAPPY. It is the Situationist behaviour. Act surreally, behave disgustingly, live provocatively

BE HAPPY. It is the Situationist behaviour. Act surreally, behave disgustingly, live provocatively, mischievously wind people up, BE HAPPY. "What a man is contributes much more to his happiness than what he has, or how he is regarded by others." All it means is I'm getting to them.
I am totally unrepressed. The wildness is my pleasure. I love it wild. The wilder the better. I want a jungle out there. I'm a spinning random element in their lives, stirring them up. My treasures are my pleasures.
I am FAUST, aren't I? I am Dirk Bogarde in DESPAIR. I am DON GIOVANNI.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

I'm a CRAZY GUY. I live WILDLY. NIETZSCHEAN DIONYSIAN EXCESS. Going too far

I'm a CRAZY GUY. I live WILDLY. NIETZSCHEAN DIONYSIAN EXCESS. Going too far: always the only rule is going too far. It's FUN; for goodness sake people---LIGHTEN UP!
IT IS WHAT I WANTED. I PUSHED THEM AND I PUSHED THEM INTO THIS. NOW THEY ARE PLAYING INTO MY HANDS. NOW I AM FREE.
It is WAR, yes this is WAR, this is war in the GRAND STYLE. I wanted it, so I pushed them into it. Because I am reaping rewards out of it, they are giving me my energy & my material & my riches.


THE PLEASURE OF BEING NAKED IN THOSE ROOMS. THE EGON SCHIELE PLEASURE OF RUTHLESSLY OBSERVING MYSELF

THE PLEASURE OF BEING NAKED IN THOSE ROOMS. THE EGON SCHIELE PLEASURE OF RUTHLESSLY OBSERVING MYSELF IN THAT SEXUAL STATE, SO I CAN RECORD MYSELF.
YOU ARE POISONING THEIR MINDS!
He has no shame, he just grins on like Svejk, how frustrating for them.
GRINNING, SERENE, POISED, IT IS MY JOB TO POISON THEM.

Obsessed with a hidden divine order. I AM---OSCAR WILDE. I AM---EGON SCHIELE. I AM---AUBREY BEARDSLEY

Obsessed with a hidden divine order. I AM---OSCAR WILDE. I AM---EGON SCHIELE. I AM---AUBREY BEARDSLEY. That Jenna Jameson picture---oh I love pornographic films! The joy and happiness they bring! I live for pleasure! What do they live for---poison? How it eats them away that I'm still going out to enjoy the Chandos, the theatre, the opera, the pictures, the bookshops, the philosophy, the job, the writing. That I'm still happy enjoying my rich little life, still spinning in my little circles, generating the energy I need.


Monday, 8 May 2017

I LIVE FOR WILD NIETZSCHEAN DIONYSIAN PLEASURE. I LIVE FOR STIRRING PEOPLE UP. I LIVE FOR DOING THINGS I SHOULDN'T

I LIVE FOR WILD, NIETZSCHEAN, DIONYSIAN PLEASURE. I LIVE FOR STIRRING PEOPLE UP. I LIVE FOR DOING THINGS I SHOULDN'T. I LIVE FOR DOING DANGEROUS THINGS WHICH WILL PUT ME ON THE VERGE OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. I LIVE FOR THE SLEAZY THRILL.
I AM DEBAUCHED. Debauchery is the royal road to Taoist contentment. The pleasures are great. The rewards are great.
I AM--OSCAR WILDE. They are frustrated because they cannot lay a glove on me.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

I don't regret anything because I live for the illusion. That is where the reward lies

I don't regret anything because I live for the illusion. That is where the reward lies.
I worship a different god, and he worships me!
I'm pleased by it, I take it as a compliment. I'm constantly thrilled by it. Go on annoying people. They do it because I've rejected them. I'm having a delicious life. I'm POLYMORPHOUSLY PERVERSE and I love it. They have made it so rich now, every morning more thrilling.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

To be honest I love the morning train to work in the summer mornings

To be honest, I love the morning train to work in the summer mornings. I love the train home at night in the early summer evenings. I love the walk to the station in the mornings.
I am a fantasist, and an exhibitionist; I need everyone to be thinking about ME.
I never notice anyone outside the ILLUSION. It is wonderful Dionysian Walpurgis Night mischief. Fantastic---they're doing my work for me. Spreading my p & p into every home. I am deliberately following the Oscar Wilde road. "Ahhhh, don't they look bright!" My sense of humour is fantastic. I love a good joke.
I have infected them all with my mannerisms. What a delicious joke. They are being infected by me more & more every day; they let me know they are thinking about me all the time. What power they are giving me over them.

My mission is to provoke people and stir them up. Get under their skin. Play on their minds. I am doing that

My mission is to provoke people, and stir them up. Get under their skin. Play on their minds. I am doing that. The more abuse I get the happier and more content I become.
The excitement of being a target. The thrill of being hated. "Everything amuses him, and delights him!" That must be very frustrating for people.
BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY. Live provocatively.
I am the one in the rich position. Because they feel a little bit inadequate.
I WANT EVERYONE TO BE THINKING ABOUT ME. Sex is my mischievous weapon to worm my way into their minds and stay there.


Thursday, 4 May 2017

I am in the strong position in my beautiful autistic dream. Keep pushing the people

I am in the strong position, in my beautiful autistic dream.
Keep pushing the people. Keep defiantly going to Soho. I enjoy stirring the stupid people up. I enjoy making the repressed people jealous.
I've got to keep working at the ----- through summer, to see all those sexy women. Because I don't go out in summer anyway so I might as well be earning, so then I will be free to have time to myself in winter. I love getting the train on these hot mornings.
How their minds boggle; how they have poisoned their own minds. They are the poor ones; I am enjoying my pleasurable life, and I will continue pushing it. I've tried some things I've bet they've never tried.
I have lit a fire under them, and now it is heating me. "I fascinate them, admit it. That is indeed a compliment. I thank you."
I don't want the real world, I want the unreal world. Choose freedom. Good, I want to worm my way into all the stupid people's lives. I use pleasure to do it. My strange reclusive personality suits this job perfectly. I WANT EVERYBODY THINKING ABOUT ME.
I enjoy my freedom, for the continued pressure it puts on the stupid people.